On reactive responses, the benefit is that no story is always better than a controversial story. Some examples of reactive behavior are obvious, (such as returning a punch!) In an interview, he said that experience taught him to disregard his first impressions of people and to take time to know them before passing any judgement. Think of a few physical examples, like a rubber band ‘reacting’ to being stretched. Left to its own devices, the unconscious mind creates a whole library of beliefs, prejudices, biases, fears, and limiting decisions. Back in 1998, researchers Anthony Greenwald, Debbie McGhee, and Jordan Schwartz introduced something called the Implicit Association Test (IAT). All of the examples above could be understood as reactive behaviors. You also mention the importance of addressing some of the foundational issues around self. Or maybe what someone says in a meeting strikes you as unkind or impersonal; instead of trying to discern what they meant, or approaching them to express your response constructively, you assume their intention was bad and skulk off, deciding to avoid talking to that person for the rest of the week. Now personify it. Say someone throws a punch; there are many ways to respond, but just a few ways to ‘react’! Giving in to the idea that bumps in the road are normal, that things sometimes go wrong in relationships even when no one intends it, and that there can be equality and flexibility in relationships without losing emotional safety are some of the keys to overcoming your own reactive responses. For example, if an employee decides to sue your company for sexual harassment, there is always the chance that they will settle out of court – right up to the moment the case begins. This is one of the roots of many workplace conflicts I have mediated. It’s based on information from both the conscious mind and unconscious mind. Through the very act of looking inward, we connect internally and thereby cultivate our sense of self and intrinsic worth. For better management of conflict, it is a good practice to recognize your reactive behaviors or hot spots and figure out strategies for minimizing and managing them. Rather than identifying your discomfort, or querying for clarification, you say something disdainful. He took one on race and was mortified to find out that his unconscious association with Caucasian-European was “good” and his association with African American was “bad”—even though Gladwell himself is half-black. Responding to stimuli in the world around us, then, implies recognizing and “answering” to it in some form. It can provide the juice and energy to accomplish what you want. 8403 Colesville Rd., Suite 1100 Silver Spring, MD 20910. act [more deliberately and consciously] in situations marked by confusion, anger, and shame. Maybe this seems like a trivial difference, a silly semantic game, but there’s an insight in it. There ARE ways forward! Most people don’t actually consciously think it’s a good idea to maintain all their relationships by dominating the people around them; nevertheless it’s a highly socialized behavior that we have to decide to unlearn. Now we’re getting into the complexities of that harmful category of ‘reactive behaviors.’. Say you and a colleague have different strategies for accomplishing a task and you suggest they do it your way. Or a rubber ball ‘reacting’ to being thrown against the ground Disperceptions of the Ford-Kavanaugh Hearings and Ideology, Curing Coronasomnia: Four Tips from Neuroscience. Speaker; Sleep did not come to me till late because I have something on my mind recently. Perhaps a workplace colleague asks you a lot of questions about your idea and you perceive the inquiry as doubting your competence or authority. And if you are on a team, try having a group dialogue about your respective hot buttons so your team can stay on task and not get diverted into messy workplace or partnership conflicts. That said, the unconscious can be an awesome partner to the conscious mind. Is Implicit Bias a Product of the Person or the Situation? We convince ourselves of a false sense of control or dominance that helps us feel emotionally safe. Pause whenever you feel yourself about to react. In my trainings and workshops, we focus on how to align the unconscious mind with conscious desires. Finally, I just want to put out there the idea of emotional distancing and how, when we react, we may be defending ourselves by increasing or decreasing emotional distance with another person (or ourselves). Everything feels like a problem related to the self, and requires reaction to re-subdue the threat. When you say or do something “without thinking,” that’s the unconscious mind running the show. But even before you engage the unconscious as a productive partner, you can start living a life that is more responsive and less reactive simply by paying attention and noticing when what you do or say feels off-center. So what is this risky category of ‘reactive behavior’? We all know the difference. If they politely and respectfully choose to decline and continue with their own strategy, why does that sometimes feel like an insult and trigger our anger? Any and all force involved in the first action is immediately turned around and reproduced. Malcolm Gladwell wrote about IAT in his book Blink. Some people use the words synonymously but to me there’s a world of difference. As you imply, it is often difficult to ask clarifying questions of others or ourselves when we are in this state. But, it is SO much more than that! Reactive behaviors are really just the symptoms of reactivity. So anything that might threaten survival becomes Public Enemy #1 to the unconscious. Its main goal is your survival. A reaction is survival-oriented and on some level a defense mechanism. And when it’s not freaking out trying to ensure your survival, it has a lot of intuitive wisdom to offer. Six Ways the Wisdom of Your Body Can Enhance Intimacy. A reaction and a response may look exactly alike. Shame can be rooted in our vulnerability to those around us, and the way we are encouraged to view relationships as a battle to maintain a level of control or dominance over the other. Are Men More Associated with Brilliance Than Women? She provides mediation, group facilitation and training to diverse, national clients. Williams gives us some direction in exploring these questions. I really appreciate your voice in describing the dynamics around reactivity. Additionally, the effort to restore control or dominance is based on an unconscious false assumption: that you can have control, or need to dominate, in the first place. The test is based on the concept that you will be faster putting together ideas you already associate with one another. Reactive responses, whether based upon a “real” emergency or one which seemingly appears so, are often the basis for later regrets and irreparable damage. “A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” —William James. I agree with you and would suggest mindfulness practices such as breathing or compassion meditations and others can help do this. It’s a reaction … Ellen is certified by the International Mediation Institute. In my NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) trainings and my Empower Your Life weekends, we spend a lot of time delving into the unconscious mind, how it operates and how to connect with it consciously. We all have these associations, many of them unconscious. It’s a response if you didn’t give the money because you decide it’s wiser to give your money elsewhere. 3 Ways to Get in Touch with Important Unfelt Feelings, Our Brains Divulge Our Decisions Before We Even Know Them, Psychology Today © 2020 Sussex Publishers, LLC, The Surprising Benefits of Blinking on Visual Perception, 3 Ways Shopping Behavior Has Changed During the Pandemic, How Willpower Wasn't: The Truth About Ego Depletion, Color Reaches Deep Within Our Unconscious, MRIs Reveal Unconscious Bias in the Brain. Why Is It Impossible to Not Judge People. Reactive response; I … I love your examples of reactive behaviors because they so clearly illustrate the notion of impaired attunement capacity, a loss of what I call our 7th sense. As I mentioned, you can work with the unconscious to unearth these associations and align them more closely to your values and goals. And how about if the punch is verbal? It’s driven by the beliefs, biases, and prejudices of the unconscious mind. Ms. Ellen Kandell is the President of Alternative Resolutions, LLC. That’s a lot of emotional stress, and a lot of work! You might feel safe for a moment, but at the high cost of ruining relationships, escalating conflict, or setting yourself up for another fall. When you do, you tap all the power the unconscious has to offer. For example, say you are approached by a panhandler on the street and you give that person money. But they feel different. She became chair of MCDR’s certification committee this year. but others are much more subtle. It weighs the long term effects and stays in line with your core values. It’s a response if you gave that money from a solid sense of “I am here to help my fellow man in whatever form.” Or say you didn’t give that person money. By seeing our and others’ behaviors in these terms, we may succeed in accomplishing the universal human challenge of holding experience and responding to it. And the results of doing that are somewhere between horrendous and less than stellar. For example, say you are approached by a panhandler on the street and you give that person money. A reaction is based in the moment and doesn’t take into consideration long term effects of what you do or say. Or a rubber ball ‘reacting’ to being thrown against the ground. We’re operating from underlying assumptions and beliefs we’re not even aware of. To respond originates from the Latin respondere, meaning “to answer or promise in return”. But if the columns are titled male/family and female/career and those are not the associations of your unconscious mind, it will take an extra millisecond or two to sort the nouns properly. A reaction is instant. On the other hand, to react – ‘re’ (again) ‘act’ (a doing) – means “to do again”, often with the connotation of opposite reciprocal force. Etymologically, “react” and “respond” have very different connotations. like a rubber band ‘reacting’ to being stretched. Get in touch with her via email, LinkedIn, Twitter, or give her a call at 301-588-5390. The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. Take a deep breath, step back, and give yourself the opportunity to respond. A reaction and a response may look exactly alike. The IAT measures the milliseconds that it takes to connect pairs of ideas. I believe your work to promote greater awareness of these dynamics makes a difference to our responsive capabilities. We also learn to recognize and tolerate various emotions and physical sensations, which helps us to hold any and all experience. If your conscious goals are in conflict with your unconscious mind’s sense of survival, the unconscious will derail any efforts you try to make toward those goals. In most sports, forfeiting means losing – not so in the world of emotional balance! According to Williams, reactive behavior is intrinsically related to experiences of shame, which derive from the way we form relationships as children. “When I look back on my knee-jerk reactions now, I realize I should have just taken a breath.” —Fred Durst. As Williams writes, “most people think of reactivity as yelling or some other angry expression. She is passionate about transforming…read more. Don’t we have to react and respond to the world around us? The classification, "Reactive response" and "Confirmative response", makes it easy to explain the process and effects of dialog (communication). Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. Why are so many people drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis? When every hiccup is a threat to your sense of self, anything that goes wrong can feel like a very personal attack. So for example, if you automatically associate female with family and male with career, then you’ll be fast placing nouns that relate to female/family or male/career in the columns. To get to that point, though, you need to spend some time working with the unconscious, helping it release the limiting beliefs, constrictive assumptions, and negative emotions that no longer serve you. It might turn out okay but often a reaction is something you regret later. (If you want to try one of the tests yourself, go to https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/.). When this happens I believe we are relationally blind, which may evoke fear and shame and, ultimately, reaction. A response on the other hand usually comes more slowly. Thank you for this article! Again, it’s a reaction if you didn’t give the money out of fear, disgust, or anger. In reality, however, it makes us vulnerable to every dip, bump, or discomfort in a relationship. Michael Williams devotes his blog ‘Agency‘ to practical and theoretical aspects of reactivity, with the intention of enabling readers to “act [more deliberately and consciously] in situations marked by confusion, anger, and shame.” We previously wrote about his approach in June 2016. A response will be more “ecological,” meaning that it takes into consideration the well-being of not only you but those around you. We react to things day in and day out: to what’s going on in our daily lives, to the actions of others, to some news we receive. Let’s talk about reaction versus response. An example of a message and the responses. The point is that the more reacting we do, the less empowered we are. To react, to ‘act back’ on an event, is to respond by exerting the happening back on itself. The ‘reaction,’ then, is rooted in the attempt to immediately fix, roll back, or undo any perceived loss of control or dominance. Our negativity and self talk sets us up for a losing battle. It’s a reaction if you gave that money out of fear or embarrassment or guilt. Ellen F. Kandell is a certified professional mediator and attorney with over 30 years of public and private sector experience. But they feel different. The effect to ‘act back’ then actually just creates the next situation, discomfort, or inequality. What is reactivity anyway? You could treat the symptom by making rules for yourself, but a deeper solution will come from confronting the unconscious assumptions that underpin the foundations of your sense of self and emotional safety in relation to those around you. We act back on whatever happened, trying to restore our sense of safety by reconstructing that false reality. 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